DH is slowly driving me insane.  It is a slow process, of course.  He says he is *helping* me with my plan on increasing my self esteem and sexuality.  I told him I wanted to try some subliminal CDs or MP3s and he has been sending me sites all day today that have women vocalizing orgasms with music playing in the background.  He says this is what I need.  He says the loud orgasms are what are subliminal.  Personally I find it ridiculous and stupid.  When *I* found some places with real subliminal self-help issues he said that was wrong and I didn't know what I needed or even wanted and he knew best!  Each and every time I share with him a plan for improving myself he tries to take over and make what I am doing what *he* wants me to do.

Now he is on the phone yelling at me that I don't appreciate what he tries to do for me.  I don't care that he tries to help me.  "You always do this!  You always shoot down my ideas and call them pornographic!  You don't trust me!"

I started to hear the blood pound in my ears and finally just eased back and let his words go in one ear and out the other.  I am not at all amused by him right now, or his attitude.  Life is far too short for this crap, especially *my* life.

I was in a good mood before he called and he discovered I didn't like anything he had sent me except two sites.  He says in order to feel good about myself and continuously sexy I should listen to women having orgasms.  Exactly how is that supposed to work?  They aren't my orgasmic sounds.  They aren't caused by sensations to *my* body.  Orgasms are very personal things only to be shared with one other person or all alone when you're feeling exceptionally good. 

I am tired of this aspect of his "helping" me.  Tired to the very depths of my soul.

He is also attacking my newfound enjoyment of romance novels with their sex scenes.  He says that is just sugar-coated pornography and this means I should not have a problem with his idea of me listening to the things he wants me to listen to.

I have been with this man for almost 15 years now, and it never fails that at some point within any given month, perhaps even any given day, I wonder if I am actually going to make it one more hour with him.  It truly is no wonder I have high blood pressure now.

It is overcast today and cool - only 77*F.  Surprisingly my arthritis isn't acting up as much as it was yesterday; compared to yesterday it isn't acting up at all!

Finally managed to have a day, including having a morning!  Tomorrow I am going to be up with DH if all goes well.  I actually managed to take my muscle relaxer and hit the bed at a good moment, which let me sleep, actually rest.  This gave me a good head to get up this morning and made it out of bed not too long after DH had actually headed off to the office.  The goal for tomorrow is to actually see him off at the door.  He would appreciate that while the story would appreciate having the extra time spent upon it.

Today is SS's birthday!  Happy birthday!

Today has been a good day, considering I haven’t really done anything exciting as of yet.  There has been a lot of organizing and up-dating of planners and calendars for the up-coming doctors’ appointments and such, but other than that there really hasn’t been anything done.

There *is* writing planned, but the later it gets the less chance I am going to have of actually doing any.  DH is going to be gone to service tonight, so I am going to have a little extra time to do things, but not all that much:  there is also supper to cook, and since he is being “good” I might as well try and encourage the action.

It looks beautiful outside.  The sky is a little gray, probably because of the city's smog, but the sun is shining through it all and lighting everything up with hope, and, dare I say, love?

I am a little down today.  DH is falling back into his old habits himself, all the time accusing me I am the one slipping and causing him to act so.  He rationalizes everything.  And, in the rationalization process he always comes out smelling like a rose and trying to convince me I smell like shit.  Why is he doing this now?  He has come to the conclusion that I am going to live so it is alright to treat me like he usually does.  When he was frightened I was going to die he was very loving and kind.  Is this a phase he will grow out of...again?  Probably.

Today he said, "If you have a heart attack, who is going to take care of you; and if you die, who is going to have to pay to have you buried?"  This was his response to me trying to exercise yesterday and sending my heartrate up too much.  I was feeling wonderful and thought five minutes of aerobic exercise wouldn't hurt.  Until I tried it I didn't know it would.  Now he is on his high horse and demanding my obedience to his words at all times.

Since he is doing this I have to make certain the happy mask doesn't slip at all in his presence.  There is also going to have to be sex.  LOTS of sex.  Having sex shouldn't feel like a chore, or so I've been told, so why does it?

This leads me to think that for the next few weeks I am going to concentrate on my writing and getting as many words per day down as possible.  There is a novel that is indeed calling to me. 

It is an "old" idea that actually has frightened me in the past with its intricate plot and voice required to tell it.  There is time for me to write, so why not do so?  The only person holding me back is myself, and I am not going to do that any more if I can at all help it! 

Yesterday I did a lot of spinning.  It is surprising how well the spinning is coming along right now.  The more evenly the thread falls from my hand encourages me to keep spinning.  Since the batch currently being spun is only six ounces of wool, it should spin up relatively quickly.  Spinning, at the moment, is encouraging me to be very much at peace, which is also helping the BP to be a little lower.  Today I am hoping to spin a little more as well as work on the story mentioned earlier. 

Hopefully, with these things working with me, by the time DH gets home there will be an excess of peaceful energy I can draw on to make sure he is taken care of and I am not secretly stressed.  Was being married always supposed to be like this? 

Today has been one of those perfect summer rainy days.  There have been intermittent thunder storms and very heavy rain.  Because of the rain the temps have dropped to about 76*F and this has caused the arthritis to act up a little, but nothing beyond what is a small flair-up.  

Because the day has been so quiet and rainy I have played with Napster and music for most of the day, as well as slept late:  I stayed up late last night in order to finish a tam I hope, will be sold soon at Juice's.  There are only two tams available for DH to take to the dread shop, but that means there are two that may be sold.  The trick will be of getting the money from my handiwork from DH.  When it comes to money he has a bit of a tendency to have sticky fingers, and not want to give me my due.  Hopefully this time he will be a little different.

My friend SS has suggested opening a store on Etsy.com for my handmade goods.  It takes so long to make knitted items I am a little leery of it - would it be worth it to try and open up a small store there?  DH would have to possibly know about it since he is would be having to take things to the post office for me.  I am still considering the idea.  I know I do not want to sell things on Ebay.  There seems to be far more competition there than anywhere else I know of, and I don't know if I could make any money by competing with so many other knitters.  Then again, I haven't researched either place overly carefully because, like I said, right now I don't have the items knitted up I can sell.  Plus, Christmas is coming up and I would like to get some gifts knitted up for the more important people in my life.

It feels kind of odd to consider Christmas at the ending of July/beginning of August.  It is still warm and happy and it feels very much like a vacation for me.  I am going to have to start looking for jobs again, probably next week.  I am going to have to push myself a little further each year in order for us to have something, especially a small savings account.  It would be wonderful if the Social Security disability program was more stable and certain.  With the economy as it is people like me cannot depend upon the government agencies to help at all any more.  Medicare is almost defunct as it is despite what the senators and representatives are saying and promising.

I am not going to think about all of the bad possibilities that are out there right now.  Only positive thoughts for just a few more days until they are hammered out of my consciousness again.

Had the "talk" with DH last night.  Surprisingly he didn't want sex.  And he grudgingly admitted I had not had a "slip" in attitude and smile for several months - four months to be exact.  Personally I believe that is quite good.

This weekend was a wonderful one, except for the ending on Sunday.  I don't want to go into details, but I wasn't completely a nice person by the end of the evening on Sunday.  My BP was up and I was just uncomfortable.  DH, of course, wanted sex (like always) and I was just not feeling well.  I tried to tell him calmly and peacefully, but it didn't work out so well.  I was snappy.  He, of course, began the whole tirade of "...for the past 15 years..." blah blah blah.  I tuned out much of what he was saying after that particular phrase.  He does that when he wants to make me feel guilty for, usually, not doing something he wants me to do.

This morning he said I hadn't talked to him yet about what happened on Sunday.  When we have these "talks" it comes down to me apologizing, admitting I was wrong about everything, then making sure we have sex.  It isn't a talk by any means, because he doesn't want to "talk" he just wants me to tell him how right he is and make everything better.  I always do.    As a woman, I really get tired of doing it; always being the one to do the apologizing and taking responcibility for everything in the marriage, the house, the pets.  DH says he has so much stress, but in looking around the house, including the exterior, he doesn't do anything to have home-owner stress.  Recently I asked him if there was a light-weight battery operated weed-eater that I could possibly use, and now he is all for me walking on a track and building up my leg-strength so I can weed-eat around the house.    He hasn't taken responcibility for anything in so very long I am convinced he won't know how if he ever must do so.

Yesterday I finally got to the dishes in the sink and the mess he had made there.  Since I have been so sick I hadn't even touched the dishes or cooking in ages.  DH cooked for us and kept us fed, but he hadn't cleaned one single dish in over six weeks.  Can you possibly imagine what the sink looked like?  Trust me, your imagination can't possibly reach the depths of despicable-ness that was there!  It took all day!  

As further example of his laziness, last night I asked him to take the garbage out before I went to bed and he said he would.  He didn't.  The dogs got into the garbage and had it all over the floor and he was fussing at them this morning when he let them outside to pee.  Instead of fussing all the damn time, why doesn't he just take away the temptation and take out the damn garbage?! 

DH keeps telling me "Don't slip back into the old habits you used to have."  He usually says this when he even thinks he sees a remote possibility I am slipping out of the smiling face I always have to present to him in order to just have some semblance of peace sometimes.  If I am ever in a bad mood I have to hide it to keep from being lectured and fussed at by him.  Yes, I know it isn't fair, and yes, sometimes I get so tired of pretending to be up and happy it nearly makes me ill, but the alternative is far worse.  Trust me. 

No, he doesn't hit me.  He knows better than that, but it doesn't stop him from using his mouth.  Sometimes I wish I had a mute button for it.  The topic is usually all of the things I am failing to do or not doing well enough for his taste or temperament at the time.  He is always the poor victim of having a disabled wife.  He knows he isn't going to find anyone else to put up with his odd moods and his odd thinking other than me, but he still threatens it to me.  Several times I have told him to go ahead.  He hasn't.  Maybe I am playing with fire when I tell him that, but at that point in the "talk", "discussion", or argument I really don't care.  I just want him out of the room because I don't want to be forced to breathe the same air as he does!    At the same time he does all of this, I know he loves me and he doesn't want anyone else.  He has put up with me for 15 years and I have likewise done so with him.  Being married means to be married through the good times as well as the bad times.  I just wish I had a more continuous stretch of good times without having to bow and be the one who fixes everything all the time.  (Although DH is convinced he is doing all of the fixing and apologizing and making everything all right.  Recently I asked him when the last time it was he had done such a thing and he couldn't tell me.  I didn't pursue the matter further.)

So, tonight we are supposed to "talk" about me being upset and bitchy this past Sunday.  He doesn't want me to fall back into old habits.    I get so tired of these talks.  One good thing, however, is that I haven't let myself slip into a bitchy mood for over three months, at least not around him.  It was unfortunate I couldn't stop myself this Sunday; it would have saved me a lot of time and effort in trying to make him feel better for some wrong he perceives I have done him.  Being married is a bitch sometimes, folks, and sometimes it is heavenly.  With my DH it is more of a 50/50 shot at which one it is going to be on a given day.